Friday, November 8, 2013


Your rollerblader can be and most likely will be one of the most lazy people that you have ever met in some respects.  However, whenever there is anything that involves skating, they are the most motivated individual that you have ever met in your life.  They can be half passed out and if anything to do with another skater or anything to do with skating, you would think that they just had a shot of B12 right to the jugular.  There is no stopping them.  Laundry, cleaning, grocery shopping, it’s their valium.  Skating, the hopes of skating, or the act of skating… it’s their speed!

What happens in a skate day

I have gone with them skating on many occasions.  First, it started by me being really curious about what the hell they do all day long. Then it became somewhat of a necessity when we would go out of town.  So, here it is.  Wake up, watch skate video, go get something to eat, you might have to go pick up someone ~ its pretty much guaranteed they have a video they have never seen or haven’t seen in a while, go to skate spot, get kicked out, go to next skate spot, by this time they have been skating for 2 hours… and you have to pee… to damned bad, you are somewhere in the middle of the ghetto and have no idea where the hell a gas station is… more skating, yes! Gas station to get something to drink and you can pee, skating, someone breaks something so if you are near someone’s house go there to fix it, watch a video, go skate, get something to eat, go to someone’s house to recreate tricks, drink a beer, and watch 2-3 skate video’s. It’s now between 2-3am. So, when it’s a new girlfriend of a rollerblader they get excited about spending the day with them while they are skating, they often ask me if I am going to go with them, my response is after 13 years, I have already done my time.

Always time for skate stuff

Take for example, they spend so many hours watching skate videos, getting their skates ready, changing frame, wheels, bearings… it can take hours for them to be ready to skate.  But when you are going on a skate trip and you take 2 minutes to go pee they act like you have just done something completely horrible.  Are you ready yet?  What’s taking so long?  We need to go now!  Ok, well, I will be waiting in the car.  Why are you bothering to brush your hair or teeth… are you putting on make-up or something? We are just going skating.

Skate video's and porno's

For several reasons skate videos and porno’s are similar.  You find burned versions all over the house.  Sometimes they are in strange places like a drawer in the bureau.  They have some weird names that make you go hmmmm.  They get your rollerblader “pumped”, ready for some crazy action, doing some stupid stuff, there is always really crappy acting unless you’re Rob G and a talking bench. If they are going for something serious it comes out being ridiculous.  You randomly wake up in the middle of the night and your Rollerblader is watching it on the computer with headphones on… Shall I go on?

Movies and TV

Do not be surprised when you are watching a movie or a tv show with a rollerblader and they totally miss the whole plotline of the movie.  This would be due to the fact that the whole time they are fantasizing about the skate spots that they see in the background.  Don’t worry, there might be some lady with an awesome ass, they saw that and took notes, but feel some sense of peace that what they are really fixated on is not the ass that now you’re self conscious and jealous of but more of that rail/ledge in the background!  They are also thinking about the line they could do at that spot… I personally love it when you’re watching a bad ass Kung Fu movie they start talking about how the actor would be such a badass on rollerblades, and then fantasize about that for a while.  I remember being in a movie theater and hearing all my rollerblader’s talk about how much of a bad ass Tony Ja would be on rollerblades and how he would have “killed it”



All of the rollerbladers that I know have a similar lifelong dream...their lifelong dreams always include building a skate park, usually in their back yard. You can be asking them anything and you say, “what do you want?” you could be talking about for dinner and they say “a skate park in my backyard.” Ok, well, that is an exaggeration but out of a group of people the majority wants to have a skate park.  I’ve thought about this a lot because I, for a fleeting moment, thought… this is a great idea.  My rollerblader doesn’t have a lot of time and if he wants to skate, it would be cool if he could go in the backyard for a while and then go to work. 

After deeper contemplation, I am pretty sure that unless your house is sound proof you will pretty much hate this idea with time. They will be skating 24/7 which will be ok because you will know where they are and that they aren’t getting arrested for trespassing but I also think that at some point in your life, you’d want to sleep. 

I don’t know… to everything there are pro’s and con’s but I guess it’s all where you are in your life.  6     years ago, my ass would be out there with a damn hammer and some screws building whatever they hell you guys wanted.

They are salty!

They always taste salty.  It’s very apparent when they are skating and cruise past you and give you a really wet, salty kiss.  It’s one of those things where when you kiss them and they taste like they have just rolled around in salt or just spent the day swimming in the ocean. That would be because of the massive amounts of sweat that they have lost through skating.  If you question this… just look at their hats!  Seriously, don’t tell me you have never noticed that they have a black hat with a weird ass white line zig-zagged around the whole thing!    

Their ideas

Their Ideas

They come up with the most random ideas ever.  You can be building a house together and ask them about if/ how they’d like to construct a storage closet and they are speechless… they have no input in it what-so-ever.  Ask them about storage in the garage and they look at you like you’re speaking Portuguese.   Mention something about skating and they are a regular Albert Einstein.  The guy can’t add or remember his zip code but damn he can build a perfect rail, box, or anything you can think of… unless it’s practical. 

I do love their ideas, I must say!.  Oneday they decided they would gather massive amounts of cardboard so that they could paint flames on them and put them up next to the rail so that it looked like they were skating through fire.  They constructed p-rail’s and boxes that would blow your mind.  Focused brain power for something they love = extraordinary outcomes!



Identifying people by their skates

Kinda like when it comes to them giving directions, they identify people by their skates.  Someone will say, “you know John, right?”,  “John? Who’s John?” “He’s the kid with the Valo’s.”  Oh yea, John! He’s sick! I’ve often have been with my Rollerblader in other cities or states and he was chosen to be a judge… Why they don’t choose me is a mystery… I mean come on… who wouldn’t want to hear me scream that was an awesome alley oop left side backslide piss stance? Regardless… when he’s been judging a competition… Where he and another judge aren’t  quite sure of all the people’s names and there has been a sheet of paper where they are taking notes that say black shirt Asian kid with Deshi’s, Black shirt Asian kid with Xsjado’s, white guy with black shirt and Deshi’s.  This is one of the few things I understand because it’s logical and makes sense. 

I used to sell shoes and could look at a person and know what brand of shoes they were wearing and approximately know how much they spent on them, same idea but much more meaningful… If you’re a true girlfriend of a rollerblader.

Don't sit where a rollerblader has been... swamp ass

If your rollerblader, or one of his friends, has been sitting somewhere… don’t sit in that spot.  If you have been sitting on your couch talking to everyone, watching them recreate the days skate tricks or whatever, get up and go to the bathroom, and return to find your seat taken and another one open… Do not sit there!  You seriously are better off sitting on the floor.  The reason for this is when you sit in the open spot, you’ll get wet.  I can not tell you how many times this has happened to me!  While you go pee there is a change of places and if you sit in the open spot, your back and ass will be wet!  Most likely you’ll smell like ass because, let’s face it, their swamp ass leaked all over the place!  I don’t know about you but I’d rather go do laundry, clean the kitchen, or sit my happy ass on the hardwood floor then have someone’s ass sweat all over me.


Be ready to hear that your new boyfriend was raped... that means that he fell on the rail and it smashed him in the butthole.  I heard someone scream that my rollerblader “GOT RAPED!”  Excuse me?!? He came wobbling back to me and said, “Ouch! My butthole!” 


Since I heard phrases like that… I decided to use my own… My frequently used word has been  “sportfucked”  Yes.  That’s mine!  So when they say, “So and so sportfucked that rail” It means that they did some really awesome trick on it and killed it… They fucked that rail up!  


Jealousy will destroy you!  I could say that you will always lose when it comes to skating but that's not fair and it isn't even about that.  I've heard people say that they don't get to spend enough time with their rollerblader or why is he skating on his day off when we could be together?  Let's think about this for a minute... why would someone go out and do something that makes him feel alive, is part of who he is, and be with his friends doing something that he loves when he could sit at home on his day off and watch tv with you?  Hmmm... I don't know but that seems pretty obvious to me.  I don't hear him bitching about you going and getting your nails done.  Just breath... know that your rollerblader is with you for a reason. They want to be with you but you may never hear that, you probably won't hear that from most men... It's kind of a given.  Also, know you are the most important person to them but rollerblading is the most important thing to them. Once you have acknowledged and accepted that you two will have a happy future.

Video Games

            I would like to clarify something and tell you that it is not only skating and skate related activities that your rollerblader may suffer from a time warp. As far as video games the whole time warp thing applies here as well. Oh and if they lose to you repeatedly they will be very upset. It is possible that they will be a much worse winner than they are as a loser. I have witnessed on several occasions these same people with ADD/ADHD become so addicted to a video game, much like they are towards skating that they will stay up all night and do nothing for days except play the video game until they beat it. After they beat it they might continue to play it simply because they have not gotten everything in the game or they want to get a higher score. This could also be because they are planning on playing this game with one of their friends and they have to be the best.

Quality time

 If they are spending a lot of time with you, this is not only because they are missing you and want to spend time with you. It could mean that in a few days they will be telling you that they are going far away for about 3 days to Kentucky or Chicago and they will return say one and a half weeks later... remember, I warned you about the whole time warp. The time warp can translate into days if they are with skating friends that they have not seen in a while. My rollerblader left to go to Chicago on Thursday night and said he would be home on Sunday night. He came home the next Saturday. I mean there were some extenuating circumstances but without those circumstances he would have been home on Friday night.  Did I happen to mention that we were moving into our new house that weekend?  No worries though, I was spastic but all the Rollerbladers came to the rescue… It’s amazing what free pizza and beer can motivate people to do!

What you don't know... won't hurt you.

            Don’t have light colored sheets. Or make sure that you like to wash sheets frequently. You really would rather not see the blood stains from their day of skating.  Also, be advised of the fact that they could just jump in bed around 3-5am after a full day of sweaty skating.  For Christmas I got nice fancy cream colored sheets. Of course within the first week he had busted his shins open and there were blood stains everywhere. This really grossed me out because we had been sleeping on dark colored sheets for the past 5 ½ years and I really had not thought about it at all. Maybe I had but had pushed it into my subconscious you know to protect myself. With that said I still think that I will go back to my trusty old forest green sheets. You know, out of sight out of mind.

Dirty Hands

            This is also a phenomenon that is shared by most rollerbladers and yet just another thing that I do not understand. Do not be surprised when your super hygienic boyfriend, not mine, goes out skating for the day, their hands are black or bloody, they come home and eat something that requires using their hands like pizza, hotdogs, french fries, or chicken nuggets and then sometime later for some stupid ass reason they will notice that they have black hands seem a little shocked and will go and wash them but really what is the point? They have already eaten all that crap. I mean how can you eat when you have black or bloody hands and not notice it? That must be the caveman ancestry coming out in them. That is a good point, there is a lot of times that they may revert back into their original state and start banging on man you Sheila