Your rollerblader can be and most likely will be one
of the most lazy people that you have ever met in some respects. However, whenever there is anything that
involves skating, they are the most motivated individual that you have ever met
in your life. They can be half passed
out and if anything to do with another skater or anything to do with skating,
you would think that they just had a shot of B12 right to the jugular. There is no stopping them. Laundry, cleaning, grocery shopping, it’s
their valium. Skating, the hopes of
skating, or the act of skating… it’s their speed!
Friday, November 8, 2013
What happens in a skate day
I have gone with them skating on many occasions. First, it started by me being really curious
about what the hell they do all day long. Then it became somewhat of a
necessity when we would go out of town.
So, here it is. Wake up, watch
skate video, go get something to eat, you might have to go pick up someone ~
its pretty much guaranteed they have a video they have never seen or haven’t
seen in a while, go to skate spot, get kicked out, go to next skate spot, by
this time they have been skating for 2 hours… and you have to pee… to damned
bad, you are somewhere in the middle of the ghetto and have no idea where the
hell a gas station is… more skating, yes! Gas station to get something to drink
and you can pee, skating, someone breaks something so if you are near someone’s
house go there to fix it, watch a video, go skate, get something to eat, go to
someone’s house to recreate tricks, drink a beer, and watch 2-3 skate video’s.
It’s now between 2-3am . So,
when it’s a new girlfriend of a rollerblader they get excited about spending
the day with them while they are skating, they often ask me if I am going to go
with them, my response is after 13 years, I have already done my time.
Always time for skate stuff
Take for example, they spend so many hours watching
skate videos, getting their skates ready, changing frame, wheels, bearings… it
can take hours for them to be ready to skate.
But when you are going on a skate trip and you take 2 minutes to go pee
they act like you have just done something completely horrible. Are you ready yet? What’s taking so long? We need to go now! Ok, well, I will be waiting in the car. Why are you bothering to brush your hair or
teeth… are you putting on make-up or something? We are just going skating.
Skate video's and porno's
For several reasons skate videos and porno’s are
similar. You find burned versions all over the house. Sometimes they are in strange places like a drawer in the bureau. They have some weird names that
make you go hmmmm. They get your
rollerblader “pumped”, ready for some crazy action, doing some stupid stuff, there
is always really crappy acting unless you’re Rob G and a talking bench. If they are going for something serious it
comes out being ridiculous. You randomly
wake up in the middle of the night and your Rollerblader is watching it on the
computer with headphones on… Shall I go on?
Movies and TV
Do not be surprised when you are watching a movie or a
tv show with a rollerblader and they totally miss the whole plotline of the
movie. This would be due to the fact
that the whole time they are fantasizing about the skate spots that they see in
the background. Don’t worry, there might
be some lady with an awesome ass, they saw that and took notes, but feel some
sense of peace that what they are really fixated on is not the ass that now you’re
self conscious and jealous of but more of that rail/ledge in the
background! They are also thinking about
the line they could do at that spot… I personally love it when you’re watching
a bad ass Kung Fu movie they start talking about how the actor would be such a
badass on rollerblades, and then fantasize about that for a while. I remember being in a movie theater and
hearing all my rollerblader’s talk about how much of a bad ass Tony Ja would be
on rollerblades and how he would have “killed it”
Dreams
All of the rollerbladers that I know have a similar
lifelong dream...their lifelong dreams always include building a skate park,
usually in their back yard. You can be asking them anything and you say, “what
do you want?” you could be talking about for dinner and they say “a skate park
in my backyard.” Ok, well, that is an exaggeration but out of a group of people
the majority wants to have a skate park. I’ve thought about this a lot because I, for a
fleeting moment, thought… this is a great idea.
My rollerblader doesn’t have a lot of time and if he wants to skate, it
would be cool if he could go in the backyard for a while and then go to
work.
After deeper contemplation, I am pretty sure that
unless your house is sound proof you will pretty much hate this idea with time.
They will be skating 24/7 which will be ok because you will know where they are
and that they aren’t getting arrested for trespassing but I also think that at
some point in your life, you’d want to sleep.
I don’t know… to everything there are pro’s and con’s
but I guess it’s all where you are in your life. 6 years
ago, my ass would be out there with a damn hammer and some screws building
whatever they hell you guys wanted.
They are salty!
They always taste salty. It’s very apparent when they are skating and
cruise past you and give you a really wet, salty kiss. It’s one of those things where when you kiss
them and they taste like they have just rolled around in salt or just spent the
day swimming in the ocean. That would be because of the massive amounts of
sweat that they have lost through skating.
If you question this… just look at their hats! Seriously, don’t tell me you have never
noticed that they have a black hat with a weird ass white line zig-zagged
around the whole thing!
Their ideas
Their Ideas
They come up with the most random ideas ever. You can be building a house together and ask them
about if/ how they’d like to construct a storage closet and they are speechless…
they have no input in it what-so-ever.
Ask them about storage in the garage and they look at you like you’re
speaking Portuguese. Mention something about skating and they are a
regular Albert Einstein. The guy can’t
add or remember his zip code but damn he can build a perfect rail, box, or
anything you can think of… unless it’s practical.
I do love their ideas, I must say!. Oneday they decided they would gather massive
amounts of cardboard so that they could paint flames on them and put them up
next to the rail so that it looked like they were skating through fire. They constructed p-rail’s and boxes that
would blow your mind. Focused brain power
for something they love = extraordinary outcomes!
Identifying people by their skates
Kinda like when it comes to them giving directions,
they identify people by their skates.
Someone will say, “you know John, right?”, “John? Who’s John?” “He’s the kid with the
Valo’s.” Oh yea, John! He’s sick! I’ve
often have been with my Rollerblader in other cities or states and he was
chosen to be a judge… Why they don’t choose me is a mystery… I mean come on…
who wouldn’t want to hear me scream that was an awesome alley oop left side
backslide piss stance? Regardless… when he’s been judging a competition… Where
he and another judge aren’t quite sure
of all the people’s names and there has been a sheet of paper where they are
taking notes that say black shirt Asian kid with Deshi’s, Black shirt Asian kid
with Xsjado’s, white guy with black shirt and Deshi’s. This is one of the few things I understand
because it’s logical and makes sense.
I used to sell shoes and could look at a person and
know what brand of shoes they were wearing and approximately know how much they
spent on them, same idea but much more meaningful… If you’re a true girlfriend
of a rollerblader.
Don't sit where a rollerblader has been... swamp ass
If your rollerblader, or one of his friends, has been
sitting somewhere… don’t sit in that spot.
If you have been sitting on your couch talking to everyone, watching
them recreate the days skate tricks or whatever, get up and go to the bathroom,
and return to find your seat taken and another one open… Do not sit there! You seriously are better off sitting on the
floor. The reason for this is when you
sit in the open spot, you’ll get wet. I
can not tell you how many times this has happened to me! While you go pee there is a change of places
and if you sit in the open spot, your back and ass will be wet! Most likely you’ll smell like ass because,
let’s face it, their swamp ass leaked all over the place! I don’t know about you but I’d rather go do
laundry, clean the kitchen, or sit my happy ass on the hardwood floor then have
someone’s ass sweat all over me.
Slang!
Be ready to hear that your new boyfriend was raped...
that means that he fell on the rail and it smashed him in the butthole. I heard someone scream that my rollerblader “GOT
RAPED!” Excuse me?!? He came wobbling
back to me and said, “Ouch! My butthole!”
Since I heard phrases like that… I decided to use my
own… My frequently used word has been “sportfucked” Yes.
That’s mine! So when they say,
“So and so sportfucked that rail” It means that they did some really awesome
trick on it and killed it… They fucked that rail up!
Jealousy
Jealousy will destroy you! I could say that you will always lose when it comes to skating but that's not fair and it isn't even about that. I've heard people say that they don't get to spend enough time with their rollerblader or why is he skating on his day off when we could be together? Let's think about this for a minute... why would someone go out and do something that makes him feel alive, is part of who he is, and be with his friends doing something that he loves when he could sit at home on his day off and watch tv with you? Hmmm... I don't know but that seems pretty obvious to me. I don't hear him bitching about you going and getting your nails done. Just breath... know that your rollerblader is with you for a
reason. They want to be with you but you may never hear that, you probably won't hear that from most men... It's kind of a given. Also, know you
are the most important person to them but rollerblading is the most important
thing to them. Once you have acknowledged and accepted that you two will have a
happy future.
Video Games
I would like to clarify something and tell you that it is
not only skating and skate related activities that your rollerblader may suffer
from a time warp. As far as video games the whole time warp thing applies here
as well. Oh and if they lose to you repeatedly they will be very upset. It is
possible that they will be a much worse winner than they are as a loser. I have
witnessed on several occasions these same people with ADD/ADHD become so
addicted to a video game, much like they are towards skating that they will
stay up all night and do nothing for days except play the video game until they
beat it. After they beat it they might continue to play it simply because they
have not gotten everything in the game or they want to get a higher score. This
could also be because they are planning on playing this game with one of their
friends and they have to be the best.
Quality time
If they are spending a lot of time with you, this is not
only because they are missing you and want to spend time with you. It could
mean that in a few days they will be telling you that they are going far away
for about 3 days to Kentucky or Chicago and they will return say one and a half
weeks later... remember, I warned you about the whole time warp. The time warp
can translate into days if they are with skating friends that they have not
seen in a while. My rollerblader left to go to Chicago
What you don't know... won't hurt you.
Don’t have light colored sheets. Or make sure that you
like to wash sheets frequently. You really would rather not see the blood
stains from their day of skating. Also,
be advised of the fact that they could just jump in bed around 3-5am after a full day of sweaty
skating. For Christmas I got nice fancy
cream colored sheets. Of course within the first week he had busted his shins
open and there were blood stains everywhere. This really grossed me out because
we had been sleeping on dark colored sheets for the past 5 ½ years and I really
had not thought about it at all. Maybe I had but had pushed it into my
subconscious you know to protect myself. With that said I still think that I
will go back to my trusty old forest green sheets. You know, out of sight out
of mind.
Dirty Hands
This is also a phenomenon that is shared by most
rollerbladers and yet just another thing that I do not understand. Do not be
surprised when your super hygienic boyfriend, not mine, goes out skating for the day, their hands are black or bloody, they come home
and eat something that requires using their hands like pizza, hotdogs, french
fries, or chicken nuggets and then sometime later for some stupid ass reason
they will notice that they have black hands seem a little shocked and will go
and wash them but really what is the point? They have already eaten all that
crap. I mean how can you eat when you have black or bloody hands and not notice
it? That must be the caveman ancestry coming out in them. That is a good point,
there is a lot of times that they may revert back into their original state and
start banging on things...me man you Sheila
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